Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
