I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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