I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
