I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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