youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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