Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
