i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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