Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
