so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Pooping to opera.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
