my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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