Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
