I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
