you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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