Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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