Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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