I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
