Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
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