I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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