Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
