He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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