omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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