remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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