there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
