I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
