my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
