Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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