apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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