I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
