It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
