Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
