Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
