she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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