I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
