my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm really busy with my period
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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