i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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