True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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