I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
