WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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