I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
