it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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