She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
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