You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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