I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
