im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
