im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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