my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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