and you said cock pushups were impossible
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
