It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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