um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
