i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
