if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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